I didn't want to go to treatment this morning. Don't worry, it was just a momentary flash of dread of something I'd rather avoid.
Let me explain.
The treatments are definitely ramping up. I can feel the higher radiation dosing in the hour or so after the treatment. The two points of concentration appear to be the area all around my left eye, and the area under and behind my left ear. I felt it yesterday, but pushed through it.
The side effects of the treatments are starting to become apparent. Fatigue is a big part of it. I had mononucleosis when I was a senior in high school. That comes pretty close to what I'm feeling today. We've all been sick with the flu and experienced that lack of energy. I still have my positive attitude that helps me push through it.
It's difficult to describe what these two treatment areas feels like. For lack of a better descriptive term, I would say that it feels like they are cooking. Heat is definitely being generated in these areas. Ibuprofen and a blue ice compress give some relief to the inflammation that has the entire left side of my face swollen.
For me, it is just extremely uncomfortable. For other cancer patients, this is the point where they talk about quitting. They get to this point of despair where there is nothing good about what they are going through - no light at the end of the tunnel. There's crazy nerve pain, muscle cramping, soreness in the treatment areas, and not to forget the radiation sunburn we all have. Our throats and tongues are burned making eating so painful that you just don't want to eat anymore. Some opt to have a feeding tube inserted. I'm not to that point yet.
I still have it better than most. I don't have the chemo side effects to deal with on top of everything else. I will remain positive. I've already had twenty three treatments - only twelve more to go.
I had an "Ah ha" moment experience when I was fourteen years old. If I didn't come right and say it, you may have picked up by now that I was a career Boy Scout. From Cub Scouts to Eagle Scout, my teenage years were all about backpacking. I backpacked over 1800 miles through California, Arizona, Nevada, and Utah.
We had just finished a fourteen day, 100 mile trek of the Pacific Crest/John Muir trail. Hiking the John Muir trail again is definitely on my bucket list. Transportation always seemed a little sketchy. Old school busses with racks on top where they bungee corded our backpacks, and cramped seating inside.
On this particular trek, there was another group of boys from San Diego, that were already on the bus. The ten of us had to find seats wherever we could. These guys were sprawled out everywhere, and not willing to give up their seats without a fight. The adults from both groups set the boys straight and we all found seats. This, of course, opened the door to a constant barrage of cut-downs, insults, ear-flicking, and a whole assortment of childish things that boys do to each other. Both sides were dishing it out, neither wanting to give the other the upper hand.
After about an hour of our eight hour road trip home, I finally just gave in. I couldn't keep up that pace. I just wanted the trip to be over.
That's when I had my "Ah ha" moment. I looked at my watch and it was twelve o'clock noon. Then I thought to myself, "By seven o'clock, I will be off of this bus. By eight o'clock, I will be home. All of this will be behind me."
Ever since then, I have lived my life with the future in mind. When I broke a bone in my hand and had a cast on. I thought to myself, "Six weeks from now, the cast will be off, and all of this will be behind me." I've adopted this thought process in every circumstance that I was ever in.
Yes, I have finished twenty three treatments, and I have twelve more to go. I can handle twelve more. In two-and-a-half weeks, this will all be behind me. Then, I get to see what the future holds.
No one wants to go through this. No one wants to do something that they dread. But, sometimes we need to do it to get to the other side.
My faith is strong, and that is what matters the most. I know that I am not walking alone.
That's a good technique, I've used it before too! Don't think I would have come up with it at age 14 though..
ReplyDeleteAnother good one from when I was in the Guard, on a particularly grueling ruck march. One of the NCOs told us, "It's all about pain management. You tell yourself, 'I'm gonna keep going til I reach that telephone pole up ahead, then F- it, I quit!' Then you reach the telephone pole and you say, 'Ah screw it, I'll do one more and quit at the next one.' And you keep doing that until you're done."